 Ever have a day where you're mad at your body because it won’t do what you want it to? Because it won't heal fast enough. Because it won't run as far, lift as much, or work as hard. Because it won't let you go to the gym or meet up with friends. Ever feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or just plain bitter when you have to change your plans because of your autoimmune disease? Because you can't eat whatever you want (without a reaction). Because you can't work as much as you want (without flaring). Because you can't go to the gym for a little stress release (without feeling worse). I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at age 14. As I've tried a variety of treatments and management plans over the last 15 years, I've been upset with my body (and disease) on numerous occasions. Mad because my back hurt. Mad because I couldn't braid my hair without taking a break. Mad because I was always falling apart. ... And mad because I couldn't do what I wanted to do at the gym. It can be frustrating to feel like your body is attacking itself (and therefore attacking you). It's hard to feel like you don't have any control, that you can't do the activities you used to do (and love), or like your body is constantly changing (always without your consent). On top of that, it can be really hard to feel like the one place you used to go for relief isn't actually a thing anymore. Because when you're struggling with autoimmune disease, your body might not let you go to the gym, head out for a run, or take your frustration out on a punching bag. Or, if you can make it to the gym, you might not be able to do everything you want to do once you're there. Before I was diagnosed, I was a competitive swimmer. I had big dreams of swimming for a DI school and really thrived in the longer, more grueling events. All of that changed when I could hardly bring myself to swim one lap let alone an entire 400 meter IM.
In the years since my diagnosis, I've been all over the place when it comes to my relationship with exercise. I went from two-a-day long distance practices to no exercise at all back to two-a-days and swimming for a DIII school to training for a half marathon to doing no training at all to at-home body weight workouts to Crossfit six days a week to (where I'm at now) restorative yoga. While I had to trade off the swim events I used to love for shorter distances I could actually handle... and while I had to let go of previous best times and embrace a new physical reality... I have been fortunate to keep moving and keep exercising in the years since my diagnosis. It wasn't until about two years ago that I had the stark realization around how much things have truly changed. Meaning, I could really, seriously no longer do anything and everything I wanted to do. You see, I was in a period in my life where I had a lot of external stress. I had moved across the country, adopted a dog, started a business and began planning a wedding. (And I was still managing an autoimmune disease.) I needed a place to feel like myself again and I needed a way to release the tension building in my body. I found a HIIT / Crossfit style gym around the corner from my house and went from 20 minute at-home workouts to 60-minute intense group practices... and I loved it. I was back at "home", back in a competition style environment, and back pushing my body and my limits and completely turning off my brain for a full 60 minutes a day. It was exactly what I needed... until it wasn't. While my body could manage the load for a time, it eventually started to struggle. I would come home with headaches that lasted all day. I was constantly hungry and never felt satiated. I wasn't sleeping well at night... struggling to fall asleep and get up in the morning. My body was sore and tired and not just for a couple of days. The workouts that I was doing were absolutely draining my body physically and eventually drained me mentally and emotionally, too. As I'd come to realize, I was asking too much of my body and it was doing everything it could to show me this wasn't the right amount or type of physical activity for me. It was a hard realization because it's hard to stop doing something you love to do. (And call me crazy, but I love to move.) It's hard to take weight off the bar, rest for longer than you need, or pull yourself back in the middle of a set. It's hard to skip practices when you want to go, it's hard to take a walk around the block when you really want to run, and it's hard to feel like you've lost the only real release you've ever had. I love movement because it clears my head, grounds my body, and generally leaves me feeling mentally and emotionally well. So, when exercise started to leave me feeling physically unwell, I was divided. What was I supposed to do now? How could I take care of myself mentally and emotionally and alleviate stress but without going to the gym? A few years later, I would find out that I wasn't alone in this struggle when I received an email of frustration from someone knee deep in symptoms that could be signs of an autoimmune disease. Without any concrete answers, and with only a recommendation to reduce stress, this email came with a loss for where to turn or how to actually start feeling better. And it makes so much sense that this is a common problem. Because when you're dealing with inflammation and/or when you have symptoms that could be indicative of autoimmune disease or chronic illness, one of the top recommendations given is to reduce stress. And don't get me wrong. This is great advice. I even put together a hidden stressors quiz to help you identify any places in your life in which you might not realize stress is hiding out. But the thing we service providers need to remember (that patients already know) is that stress management is really hard to implement in today's world. We're moving at such a fast pace, we're trying to accomplish a whole bunch, and we have a lot of responsibilities on our plates. Meaning, it's not exactly the most practical or easy thing to quit a high stress job, move out of a high stress environment, or end a high stress relationship. On top of that, for some of us, our only current stress relief is found at the gym. So that, when you're too physically tired to go, or when your body responds to exercise with a flare, it can feel like your body is betraying you even more than it already was. What do you do when you need a stress release but cannot go to the gym? What do you do when you're craving movement? What do you do when you're mad at your body because it won't do what you want it to? Here a few things that have helped me.
While it might be hard to do as a self-starter, go-getter, athlete, {insert whatever else here}, practice as much grace as you can possibly muster. Both you, and your body, are doing everything you can to stay alive. You're doing the best you can. Your body is doing the best she can. Let that (for right now) be enough. You aren't resigning to be here forever. You're simply accepting your current and present reality so that you can navigate forward with more ease. To do this, you've got to give yourself grace and decide that you are okay. It's okay to take a step back. It's okay to sit on the sidelines. It's okay to not push yourself. It's okay to take it easy. It's all okay. Just because you can't see the inflammation or the disease in your body (and especially just because someone else can't see it) doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That what you're experiencing isn't 100% real. Give yourself grace. Give your body grace. Know that you're doing the best you can. Know that listening to your body IS the best you can do.
One of the reasons it can be so hard to listen to our bodies when it comes to exercise and autoimmune disease is because we use exercise to release stress. The thing is... exercise itself is actually a stressor and that's why it sometimes leaves us feeling worse. After I realized I couldn't handle HIIT / Crossfit workouts, I took some time off. Eventually, when I got back into exercise, I got into restorative yoga. It's a pretty big contrast when you look at the two workouts side by side. But when I think of what made it possible for me to not only reap the rewards of a practice like restorative yoga (think: relaxation, meditation, time to rest and repair) but also really truly enjoy it, two things come to mind: (1) I wasn't exercising for my weight but was fully exercising for my health and (2) I had other tools in my self-care tool box that could help me clear my head. As a competitive athlete growing up, it almost feels like I was trained to rely on exercise. Throw on top an eating disorder at young age and an unhealthy relationship to exercise isn't surprising. But I've found that the less I exercise for my weight and the more I exercise for my health... the less I need to work out. The less I feel the need for the mental break that exercise once gave. Which makes me wonder if I really counted on exercise to clear my head or if I actually relied on exercise to make me feel okay about my weight and/or the food I was eating. We're taught so many things about exercise that may or may not be true. Things like... Exercise only counts if you sweat. You have to exercise to lose weight. No pain no gain. The faster, stronger, harder you go... the better. (Add on top the beliefs we have around weight and we can see why things get mixed up pretty quickly.) While these beliefs may have served you in the past, they're no longer helpful when you're dealing with autoimmune disease. (P.s. This can be a really hard acknowledgement. Give yourself the permission to grieve if you're feeling really mad at or frustrated with your body.)
As you play with your beliefs around exercise, weight and health, also look at your beliefs around stress itself. If there isn't anything you can do about your work stress, your environment, or a particularly stressful relationship, how can you rearrange what you think and how you feel about those situations themselves? For example, what if every time you felt stressed, you said to yourself: I thrive under pressure. I thrive under "stress". This little affirmation can be really powerful because your mind can help re-direct stress and how that stress physically impacts your body. Amazing, right? Instead of feeling stressed and then *also* worrying about the effect of that stress on your body (looking at you, fear!), take a deep breath and tell yourself you're safe. Not only will this help cut the "what ifs" that can quickly spiral out of control but you also help calm and relax the nervous system. Win, win!
I'm not exaggerating when I say that exercise used to be the only way I knew to move energy. It was the only thing that could clear my head, turn a bad day into a good one, or shift how the rest of my afternoon might go. Now, exercise is 8th in line. Here's everything I'll try before I use movement to clear my head / shift energy / alleviate the stress of a bad day or particular situation.
This is always the first place I go now. I journal daily, for 30 minutes, and may even journal more than that if I'm moving through something in particular. I use both an everyday prompt and quite a few in-the-moment prompts. I break all of those down inside The Wellness Boulevard, if you're curious!
Sometimes these will come up when I journal, but I also list affirmations and mantras on their own because I repeat these to myself all the time even without a journal nearby. These are incredible tools for shifting energy immediately and in the moment. (P.s. You don't have to take my word for it! Just notice the different feelings you experience in your body when you say something like "Ugh, I am always falling apart and I will never get well" as compared to "My body uses all things for good! This is awesome!")
I have found that one of the best ways to clear my brain is to actually practice clearing my brain. I love to use a guided meditation or the Yoga Nidra practice inside The Boulevard to help me do this!
Don't knock this one till you try it! Sit in a chair and put on your favorite song. Turn the sound up loud. Listen to the beat and sway your body. Don't worry about big movements and instead only do what feels good... all while visualizing yourself dancing to this song and letting your body simply sway along!
I love to get as much sun to skin contact as I can while either sitting or wandering outside. (Bare feet can be great, too!)
Processing things aloud can be similar to processing via journal but there is something extra special that happens when you're sharing with a trusted friend who you know is holding the right kind of energy. Look for friends who you trust to listen without judgment and without providing any unwanted advice in return.
If I am struggling to move energy... If I'm finding it really hard to feel better about a certain situation... If I cannot get out of a "funk"... I will turn to EFT and it often works wonders! I don't have specific videos to recommend, because I look for a video on whatever topic I'm feeling stuck around, but I do like Brad Yates on YouTube. Otherwise, I'll type "{insert whatever topic here} + EFT" into Google and see what / who pops up!
There's only been one time in the last year that I've had to run to move energy because none of the above worked. And you know what? I was okay with any potential physical consequences that might stem from the run because I knew in the moment that my mental and emotional well-being really needed the release. Knowing that your body might not physically respond well to exercise doesn't mean you can't make the choice to move anyway. You get to decide what makes sense for you in any given moment. I'd love to hear from you: What do YOU use to clear your head and alleviate stress when you can't go to the gym?
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